If She

Intro updated for context, grammar.

I was purging my OneDrive when I found several poems I'd written in 2022. The following poem was the first one I recall ever writing, aside from those acrostic poems they had us write in grade school.

Until then, fiction had been my main creative outlet, but when my ex-best friend and I lost touch, the potency and urgency of the emotions inspired me to try outlets that allowed quicker creative expression than a novelette-sized piece of fiction.

I googled how to write a poem, clicked the first source, followed the instructions, and this was the result.

If I were to rewrite the poem today, I'd make many changes. Truthfully, though, I wouldn't write it at all. Time goes on and wounds heal. To this day I still struggle with abandonment, but it was not the fault of anyone - the wound was always there, and it only took the young and dumb mistakes of two childhood besties to tear it open.

I've obviously since forgiven them, and myself, for what they didn't mean to do and what I didn't know what to do about. In fact, as you'll notice in the poem, I didn't even know what abandonment issues were. But I still appreciate this poem, and all my other old ones I might share some day, for what it is: a time capsule.

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If She

If she is known for being loud and clear

Why does she not speak when it matters most?

If she does wish to not be all alone

Why does she run until no one is near?

If she is worried I will disappear

Why is she the one who becomes a ghost?

If her desires are all unbeknownst

Why does she expect me to be aware?

Many of things I do not understand

Many of things which I cannot relate

But I will not pretend to at all know

Come to me, open up and take my hand

Try to relieve your shoulders of that weight

Trust me, for I won't leave - nowhere to go.